I've Lived a Good Life...

So for the first 7 months of my dads cancer treatment I was pregnant, and I think its safe to say I wasn't one of those fortunate ladies where pregnancy suited me. It was more like a constant state of nausea sprinkled with regular abdominal discomfort. Now the humorist in myself and my father were able to find several funny similarities between being pregnant and going through cancer treatment. Stick with me here. 1. We both had to go to the doctor all the time and got yelled at for not eating enough. 2. We both lost weight in the beginning because we were so nauseous all the time. 3. We equally felt like we had an alien  inside of us, that at some point we both wanted it out of us desperately. 4. At one point we weighed the same amount, which was a low moment for both of us. 5. Our spouses both tried to get us to drink ginger ale.  Disgusting! 6. We both mowed the lawn as a statement, to prove to everyone around us, that we weren't handicapped, we were just fine. 7. Wh

When you're raising children I think it's pretty natural to wonder what legacy you are going to leave, what memories or lessons will they hold dear. My parents never had alot of money, but they always worked hard and provided for their family. One of the things they made a priority was traveling with us kids. We went on one to two family vacations every year. My dad would save up his change all year and cash it in right before the trip, which paid for the gas for our entire adventure. We didn't have fancy things in our house, because their priority was giving us experiences, and we had some amazing ones. Now that our parents have past I think about the imprint their actions have had on my brothers and myself. My oldest brother is succeeding in his career and chooses to travel every day in his job. He seems to love the adventure of seeing new things and visiting places he's never seen. My husband and I do something somewhat unpopular with our generation. We love to vac

My dad used to say that phrase all the time, and I have lived by it my whole life. I always showed up for tests early in college, and I make sure that I'm there for people when I promise I will be. As I was driving home the other day, that phrase got me thinking. I tormented myself over the last couple of years trying to figure out why God took my folks early. I guess its the natural grieving process to question the why and focus your anger on that, but my heart is finally at peace with alot of it. Being angry doesn't bring them back, it doesn't help your heart heal, it just paralyzes you in a state of bitter sadness. I take the shuttle in the morning into work. It's a quick 10 minute ride, and for a long time it was my most un-favorite part of the day. I would sit in silence and listen to people much older than me complain about taking care of their aging parents. They would talk about what a burden they were, and how annoyed they would get because their parents woul

Have you ever felt like life has just decided to hit you with a shit stick? Well, a month after my mom had passed away we were prepping for an estate sale at my parents home. Scratch that, my husband and everyone that loved us was helping prep for an estate sale at my parents house. The fact is, I wasn't strong enough to go through their house after my brothers and I did our final sweep. My husband coordinated the help of our friends and family. It was the first day of the estate sale and I was at home with the kids. Our cat Prince was looking awful, and hadn't been eating for a few days, but our minds were overly focused on other things. I sat down with our sweet soft kitty, and I saw something in his eyes, he was dying, I knew it. My husband and I discussed the night before, that if things didn't improve that I would take him into the vet the following morning. I packed the kids into the car and wrapped our sweet cat up in a warm blanket and held him in my lap on the

When my dad got close to the end, the back bedroom to our family home was a revolving door of people coming to say goodbye. Some of them had spiritual moments with him, some had humorous moments, and for some he saw them as if they were back in their child state. It was intriguing to watch. The miracle of it all was that he transformed into what ever the person seemed to need from him in that exact time in space. The most tender observation was the interaction between my father and his sister. They were born less than a year apart and were forced by circumstance to always be close. Depending on the moment in time, they would laugh together or fight like cats and dogs, but they always loved one another. When it was time to stop treatment, my dad was clear that he wanted to pass at home where he felt the most comfort. His sister who was a nurse did not even let us think about it, she was going to stay with him until the end. My father went for 21 days without food until he passed and sh

I have never been a person attached to material things, but after the loss of both of my parents I felt the need to have something tangible with me at all times, that kept them close to my heart. Below is a photo of a dog tag for my dad and a guitar pic for my mom. Etsy has several memorial gifts for people and this one seemed to fit what I was missing perfectly. All you have to do is find an old card with your loved ones hand writing on it and upload a photo. I've attached a link below, but there are several options. https://www.etsy.com/listing/623509271/actual-handwriting-keychain-customized?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=personalized+remembrance+gift+dogtag&ref=sr_gallery-1-2&organic_search_click=1&frs=1 I think sometimes we beat ourselves up for losing memories or forgetting certain things as time passes. These small mementos help me hold onto a piece of my parents that I never want to lose. They

Just when you think you've got it all together, your 3 year old son knocks you right back down to earth. Tonight I was tucking my sweet baby into bed, when he asked me, "when will she weturn?" I asked him what he was talking about and he said, "I heard someone say you can weturn. When is Grammy going to weturn from heaven? I miss her." I'll tell you right now, that kid can drop me to my knees, and make tears stream down my cheeks faster than anything, he is so sweet sometimes. My husband and I made a promise to each other that where ever or when ever our kids need to talk about grammy's passing we will drop everything and talk with them as long as they need to. Tonight, my little man missed his Grammy and i was going to be there to talk him through it. I am fascinated with children's minds an am pretty convinced that they are much better at coping with tragedy than us adults. Tonight we talked about how he missed her house and how she had fun toys

As an act of self preservation I think most people naturally go into task mode after a family members passing. There was plenty to do, so my husband and I felt great comfort in this space. We knew how to make lists and how to get things done. But, once the list is complete and the dust settles you figure out that you have to actually deal with what just happened, and that is much harder. I fully admit that I went down a pretty deep and dark hole. I looked normal on the outside to all my coworkers and friends, but at home, I became obsessed with cancer research and healthy eating. I started to completely second guess how we handled my mom's treatment plan. Now I followed my mom's wishes to the letter, but I really started to question if I made a mistake. She went so fast, and everything I was reading and watching made me question our countries approach to cancer treatment. Now I followed the advice of many and did schedule a colonoscopy. I viewed it as a responsibility to my