Silent tears hold the loudest pain.
As I sit in the pew in the back of the church in quiet reflection I ask myself, why do I come HERE? Other than the obvious answer of, it is my time with God, which I have always believed you can get time with God anywhere in nature, what is my real reason for coming to THAT church?
Yes it was the church I grew up in and the church my father grew up in, which is special, but not the reason. There are more people there that I don't know, than I do know. I think after spending many hours pondering the question I have an answer and it's kind of sad. I go to THAT church to feel pain, to feel something. Every ones path through grieving is different. Some people feel sadness unexpectantly and uncontrollably for years, and that is totally normal. Some people fall hard after the passing of a loved one, get all their stuff out, and bounce back fast. No journey is the right way, it just has to be the right way for you. My advice is to take your time through it, and don't skip steps that hurt too much, those are probably the most important ones :)
I have always been a person who compartmentalizes my life. I like lists, facts, and data to help me drive decisions. My body naturally runs cold and my husbands favorite joke is that, it's because of my heart. When I lost my folks I held many silent tears and it hurt immensely. I also acknowledge that I don't think that is healthy behavior, but it helped me feel in control. Eventually I let the tears out when I could, and life has many more happy days than sad days. In fact, there are barely any days that bring me sadness anymore. I know my parents are with me and are watching over our family.
So why do I go to THAT church to feel pain? When I sit there I feel like they are closer to me. I will sing the choir songs and get choked up mid song, because I remember the spot where my mom would be the only one that could hit the high note. There is one prayer where they changed the words and added the word consubstantial. My dad always made fun of that one part. I like to laugh, then silently cry when I hear it. I guess I miss feeling the pain of their loss deeply, and THAT church allows me the chance to feel it.
Now I don't want you to think that I don't feel anything. I feel joy immensely and very purposefully. My husband and I have worked extremely hard to re prioritize our life to maximize the joy we experience with our family. We want our kids lives to be filled with happy times. But the fact is, that the swift loss of both my parents in such a short window of time has created a reality for me, that almost prevents the ability to feel grave sorrow anymore. Other than the loss of my husband or my two kids, I don't believe that anything could feel as painful as what we went through during that time. Oddly that thought brings me some comfort. Knowing that I've already been through somewhat the worst, makes me feel like I can handle whatever is to come. Some people may think what I just said is crass, but it is truly how I feel, and I am no longer ashamed of being who I now am. It doesn't mean I don't love people deeply, because I do. I think it allows me to help people who are experiencing pain for the first time, where the pain is so raw that they are afraid to cry. I will be there for everyone that needs someone to know their pain. I will be there to hold them when they need to cry. Silent tears hold the loudest pain. I just don't want anyone to feel alone in this tough journey.
Yes it was the church I grew up in and the church my father grew up in, which is special, but not the reason. There are more people there that I don't know, than I do know. I think after spending many hours pondering the question I have an answer and it's kind of sad. I go to THAT church to feel pain, to feel something. Every ones path through grieving is different. Some people feel sadness unexpectantly and uncontrollably for years, and that is totally normal. Some people fall hard after the passing of a loved one, get all their stuff out, and bounce back fast. No journey is the right way, it just has to be the right way for you. My advice is to take your time through it, and don't skip steps that hurt too much, those are probably the most important ones :)
I have always been a person who compartmentalizes my life. I like lists, facts, and data to help me drive decisions. My body naturally runs cold and my husbands favorite joke is that, it's because of my heart. When I lost my folks I held many silent tears and it hurt immensely. I also acknowledge that I don't think that is healthy behavior, but it helped me feel in control. Eventually I let the tears out when I could, and life has many more happy days than sad days. In fact, there are barely any days that bring me sadness anymore. I know my parents are with me and are watching over our family.
So why do I go to THAT church to feel pain? When I sit there I feel like they are closer to me. I will sing the choir songs and get choked up mid song, because I remember the spot where my mom would be the only one that could hit the high note. There is one prayer where they changed the words and added the word consubstantial. My dad always made fun of that one part. I like to laugh, then silently cry when I hear it. I guess I miss feeling the pain of their loss deeply, and THAT church allows me the chance to feel it.
Now I don't want you to think that I don't feel anything. I feel joy immensely and very purposefully. My husband and I have worked extremely hard to re prioritize our life to maximize the joy we experience with our family. We want our kids lives to be filled with happy times. But the fact is, that the swift loss of both my parents in such a short window of time has created a reality for me, that almost prevents the ability to feel grave sorrow anymore. Other than the loss of my husband or my two kids, I don't believe that anything could feel as painful as what we went through during that time. Oddly that thought brings me some comfort. Knowing that I've already been through somewhat the worst, makes me feel like I can handle whatever is to come. Some people may think what I just said is crass, but it is truly how I feel, and I am no longer ashamed of being who I now am. It doesn't mean I don't love people deeply, because I do. I think it allows me to help people who are experiencing pain for the first time, where the pain is so raw that they are afraid to cry. I will be there for everyone that needs someone to know their pain. I will be there to hold them when they need to cry. Silent tears hold the loudest pain. I just don't want anyone to feel alone in this tough journey.
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