You can't be strong all the time.

I was doing so good. I thought I had made it through all the stages of grief and was on to the fun part of remembering the good times and forgetting the bad. 

Well, I may have hit a bump in the road due to a combination of circumstances. A friend contacted me with bad news about a family member being diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my husband was gone for the weekend, and I was left with my thoughts. That friend asked me a simple question. "After watching your parents go through treatment, do you think it was worth it?" That little question rolled me right back to every painful moment. Pardon the analogy, because I don't mean to be offensive. When you are around people going through cancer treatment you can almost see the cancer on them. It's like looking into a dogs eyes, that is ready to pass on. There spirit is on hold, as the fear of death washes over them. They are not themselves anymore...they are cancer. I answered my friend that day after a very long pause, in an attempt to collect myself. I told her, "My husband and I have talked about this, if I am ever to be afflicted with this disease, I will not pursue conventional treatment". I feel the need to mention that my parents both passed away from the treatment, not the cancer. I have seen far too much and read even more, to believe that is not the path for me.

That night, after I tucked my littles in, I sat alone in our bed and balled my eyes out, hard. I felt guilt for trying to keep my dad alive when he potentially didn't want to go threw it all. I blamed myself for not reading up on this cancer after dad passed, so that I could help mom make a more informed decision about her treatment. Every step of this horrible process sucks!

Colon cancer is so nurture driven. It grows slowly in the body, and is greatly effected by what you put into it. This weekend I juiced, and food prepped like a beast. I also ran our little monkeys into the ground, going for bike rides and playing in the yard. I am dedicated to a healthy lifestyle, because there is nothing more important to me than being alive for my husband and my kids. No burger or junk food is that imperative, to prevent the contraction of this pre-disposed, environmentally driven cancer. 

I think the lesson I learned this weekend is that you're never totally done with the sad stuff. It does creep back in at unexpected times and that's okay. It's probably good for you in the long run. A little real world reminder invigorates the journey you're on and inspires you to stay on course for what you know is right for you.