Glass half full.

On the last day of our vacation to the Oregon Coast I took the dogs on a long walk on the beach by myself. My dad and I used to take that same walk every morning and talk about life. He seemed to use that time to help gently guide me in the right direction in my career. I never had a pushy father that would tell me what to do with my life. He would instead ask me simple life questions that would force me to ponder my course. It always seemed to redirect my ship and put me back on track.

While walking in silence this morning, I spent time talking to him, like I would have any other year. Something that people don’t tell you about the loss of your parents, is that, depending on where you are in life, the silence on the other end of the conversation can sometimes be crippling. You have no way of knowing if you’re on the right path, if they are proud of you. Other significant people in your life can tell you they are proud of you, but the feeling is never the same.

Once you accept the fact that the silence will be there forever, a level of peace washes over you. It’s never ok, but it becomes acceptable. Also, it forces you to channel your inner compass, and own all your decisions. In the past, I always knew if I wasn’t making the best choices or focusing on the wrong goals, but I always put more clout in my dad’s words, and that would shift me back into shape.

I think the loss has made me more accountable for myself, and helped me focus on my husband and kids, beyond everything else. 

It unfairly made me grow up faster than most. Heck, even my dad had his mom into his golden years. I remember a time when my dad was in his mid 50’s and he got called to his mom’s house because she was concerned about his behavior. This is so funny, but she had caught wind that he was telling jokes around church about God being a woman, and she was very concerned about his soul. After that re-direction my dad chose the audience for his jokes more carefully, because he didn’t want his mom to worry about his soul. He was blessed with her guiding light deep into his 60’s. Some of us are not that fortunate.

I look at it like this, if you are on that other side of the coin where you've been left early in life, and the conversation is silent on the other end, don't fret. You are blessed with the shitty opportunity to channel your inner conscience and own what you are and what you do, 100%. Being in that position allows you to be present, to own your actions, and potentially become an amazing role model to your children. Glass half full!