I've Lived a Good Life...

On the last day of our vacation to the Oregon Coast I took the dogs on a long walk on the beach by myself. My dad and I used to take that same walk every morning and talk about life. He seemed to use that time to help gently guide me in the right direction in my career. I never had a pushy father that would tell me what to do with my life. He would instead ask me simple life questions that would force me to ponder my course. It always seemed to redirect my ship and put me back on track. While walking in silence this morning, I spent time talking to him, like I would have any other year. Something that people don’t tell you about the loss of your parents, is that, depending on where you are in life, the silence on the other end of the conversation can sometimes be crippling. You have no way of knowing if you’re on the right path, if they are proud of you. Other significant people in your life can tell you they are proud of you, but the feeling is never the same. Once you accept ...

When mom was at hospice, we had some hard truthful talks. I told her that I have a special place by the river that I go to talk to dad. It’s a specific log that I sit on, where I can see the rolling river by my house. I asked her where she would like our special spot to be once she passes. She wanted to take some time to think about it and pick the perfect spot. A few days later, out of nowhere, she says, “I’ve picked a spot, the bench by the church”. I of course thought of mom’s home church across the street from their house, and thought, that do-able. Then she elaborated, “you know the stone bench by St Mary’s by the Sea?” I looked at her and smiled, then said “absolutely”. She picked a bench outside of the church at Rockaway Beach, OR, 8 hours away from our hometown. Inside I was laughing so hard. This week my family has returned to Rockaway for our annual trip and my parents have been so present all week. It may be all the residual memories here, or my parents may have decide...

Maybe if I say this phrase over and over again, I may actually be able to let some of this seasonal pain go. The fall was my parents favorite time of year. Their walks around the neighborhood with their trusty basset hound got longer and the season provoked the writers spirit in my father. We are in the eye of the storm of memories right now. My mom's cancer discovery happened at the end of August two years ago, and her sun setting from earth occurred on October 21st. I still have trouble during this window. It's hard not letting the feelings of the season remind you of the swift sorrow you experienced. Last year my saving grace was a pottery class my cousin recommended. She jokingly told me it was cheaper than therapy, and it was. I made some crappy pieces of pottery and poured every ounce of emotion into those miss-shaped mugs and bowls. Ironically, I think pottery has helped me center my thoughts, quiet my mind, and soften my sadness. It's funny how different people ...

I love the phrase "A picture is worth a thousand words". Above you will see two of my favorite pictures of all times.  Thanks to Amazon Prime Photos these memories un-expectantly dropped in my lap over the last couple of days.   My dad was about 11 months into his treatment plan here. That exact moment wasn't capturing a picture of a man with cancer, it was encapsulating the pure joy of a grandpa holding his grand baby. He didn't even know I took the photo...but my daughter obviously did. 😉 My mom's picture shows the crazy close bond that she had with my daughter. They were two peas in a pod and were always caught giving each other a tight squeeze. Just a few days ago, my son (who was 2 when mom passed away) told me that he had a happy dream about Grammy in her yellow rain coat. I thought to myself this morning when I looked at this picture, "Huh, there's that bright and sunny rain coat".  I do believe that life gives you...

I was doing so good. I thought I had made it through all the stages of grief and was on to the fun part of remembering the good times and forgetting the bad.  Well, I may have hit a bump in the road due to a combination of circumstances. A friend contacted me with bad news about a family member being diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer, my husband was gone for the weekend, and I was left with my thoughts. That friend asked me a simple question. "After watching your parents go through treatment, do you think it was worth it?" That little question rolled me right back to every painful moment. Pardon the analogy, because I don't mean to be offensive. When you are around people going through cancer treatment you can almost see the cancer on them. It's like looking into a dogs eyes, that is ready to pass on. There spirit is on hold, as the fear of death washes over them. They are not themselves anymore...they are cancer. I answered my friend that day after a ver...

In my youth I was convinced that I was my father, through and through. I was driven and liked to used humor to lighten serious moments in time. My parents had a very sweet relationship that I used to observe constantly. As I aged, I gained a greater appreciation for what they actually had and how unique it was. My father would do things to purposely frustrate my mom, and she was sure an easy target. He knew every little thing that would get her blood boiling, and pushed it right up to the point where she would firmly say his first AND middle name. Then they would bust out in laughter. It was a dance I never grew tired of watching. As an adult I took on a similar banter with my mom that was fun and playful.When I was pregnant with my daughter, the summer was hot and I was getting big. My mom tried to take me shopping for cute maternity clothes, but we always left empty handed, cause all the clothes made me look fat. 😉 But, one day I walked down the block to a neighbor who was sellin...

I wouldn't be what people call an observant creature. When I was a child and we would go on family road trips, I was always the last one to notice the deer, moose, elk, or bear in the woods. If a friend got a new hair cut, I would be the last one to notice. My husband could completely tear out a flower bed in the front of our house, and I'm oblivious to it.  The irony is that my job requires me to have a crazy amount of attention to detail. But it is a little known fact by people close to me, that once I shut my computer down at work, my brain flies right out the window. What I'm saying, is that for the most part, I have to be hit by a Mack truck to usually notice something out of place or peculiar. About a week ago I had a very interesting day. It started out with a visit to the kids pediatrician where they had their well child visit. On our way out, a cute little old man came up to my son and said, "young man, do you have something in your ear?" Then he pulled ...